The Hangover: Twilight Style
by bhefoWEFefWEF
Summary: Anything Emmett plans can't turn out right, right? Right. Follow Emmett, Jasper and Jacob as they retrace their drunken steps to find Edward before his wedding is due to start!
1. Emmett, no

**:D I got this idea whilst watching the movie "The Hangover" which is quite possibly the funniest movie **_**ever**_**. Anyway I'm I was in that mode where everything I watch, hear or do I try make it into a Twilight version so I can get more reviews. Which is really the only reason I post on fan fiction, I love reviews. I would marry them if it was legal to marry them. Honestly they're that great, they always make me smile. Even if they're mean ones, it makes me happy someone took time out of their lives throw insults at me for breaking a story guideline or something silly like that. Anyway I tend to waffle on so I'll stop. Oh yeah, in this story it may be switching between POVs. Oh yeah I don't own twilight.**

Edward's POV

"No, just no."

"PUH-LEASE!" Emmett whined dragging his please into to syllables.

"No!" I persisted. I'm not budging this time. No way.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Nope, not good enough. You have to have a valid reasonable reason before I'll let this drop." He said stubbornly folding his arms.

_Shit._ I got to think of a reason and fast.

"Because... Bella will miss me to much!" I said quickly.

"I can deal with it." Bella called from the other room where she was busy planning with Alice. Obviously not busy enough to not hear that.

"Crap." I mumbled.

A triumphant grin spread across Emmett's face.

"That doesn't make it a yes!" I said so he didn't delusion himself into thinking this stupid thing was going ahead.

"It's going to be." Alice called from the other room.

Emmett's grin spread wider, if that was possible.

"No. No. No. That doesn't make it official." I said jumping to my feet.

"Give it a rest Edward. You'll give in eventually." Jasper said clapping me on the shoulder.

"I know." I sighed.

"Why not give in now and save yourself all this bitching?" Jasper advised.

There's got to be another way. But as hard as I looked I couldn't find any.

"Fine." I gave in.

"Yes!" Emmett yelled punching the air. "Vegas here we come!"


	2. Have fun with the strippers

**Woahaweewa (Borat) I got 7 reviews just for my prologue *Gasp* Aren't I the popular one. You guys have made me to over confident now I'm gonna screw it up lol. But that doesn't man you should stop reviewing (: Even if I'm failing review to tell me I'm going down hill.**

_Edward's POV_

"Remind me again how I got my self into this?"

"You were _stupid_ and gave in to _stupid _Emmett."

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, _stupid._" I mumbled.

"Well aren't you the cool one having a conversation with your self." I heard a voice in the doorway behind me.

I spun around quickly.

"Shit." I cursed quietly to myself "Uh, hi Rosalie." I said awkwardly scratching the back of my head.

She laughed. "Hi Edward."

"Emmett wants you to hurry up pack and say your goodbyes to Bella. Please."

"Please? Emmett said please?" I asked shocked.

"Well no. Let me put that back into what Emmett actually said, "GET EDWARD TO GET HIS UGLY BUTT DOWN HERE IN THE FASTEST TIME POSSIBLE. GO NOW WOMAN!" But I figured you'd rather hear it in a nice way."

"Why thank you Rosalie." I said curtly.

Her eyes narrowed. "You're welcome." She said icily before leaving.

"What were you saying Edward-the-hottest-person-in-the-world?" I asked myself turning back to my half packed bag.

"Just something about how sexy you are."

"Well I am pretty sexy. Pretty modest too."

"You're modest for saying that." Rose burst into a fit of laughter behind me.

I jumped from fright. "HOW DO I NOT HEAR YOU?"

"You're way too absorbed in discussing your hotness with Edward." She giggled.

I scowled. "What now?"

"Emmett said that you have an extra 10 minutes because he's gone to pick up Jacob." She said leaning against the door frame.

"Don't do that." I muttered.

"Do what?" She asked confused.

"Lean against the door frame."

"Why not?" She asked pulling herself from the door frame examining it.

"It's like your planning to stay."

_Faggot._ She said in her mind.

I grinned. She glared at me.

"Well maybe am I." She said teasing me.

"Well maybe NO." I said shutting the door in her face.

_Immature jerk! _She mentally insulted me.

I snorted. Grabbing my pile of underwear from the bed and plonking it in my suitcase.

I don't even get why vampires wear underwear it's not any bodily fluids come out of anywhere causing smelliness. I guess I don't like the feeling of going commando, it feels to _free._

Well, this is my last few days 'of freedom' before making my love for Bella official. So maybe it has some sentimental value if I don't pack any underwear.

I looked at my bag for a little while before grabbing my pile of briefs and putting them in my drawer. I smiled and nodded at my awesome well thought out sentimental action. Oh yeah, I'm a clever kiwi.

_Jacob's POV_

Billy crossed his arms and frowned at me. No! He can't be having doubts now!

"What?" I asked after I put my bag by the door. Knowing me I'd forget it as I walk out.

"I don't know about this." He said slowly.

"What?! No. You already said I could go!" I half shouted, quite frankly a bit pissed.

"Yeah, but I'm the adult. I can change my answer." He stated.

"Oh sorry, I haven't 'How to make you children hate you... FOREVER.'" I said my voice tinted with dark sarcasm.

"Forever?" He asked uncertain.

"Yes, forever." I said bluntly.

He still looked uncertain. I could see him weighing the options in his head.

"Why do you even want to go? Edward 'stole' Bella from you."

"It doesn't matter, we're cool. I've got Nessie now." I shrugged.

"Resnesmee! That's why you shouldn't go!" He said finding what he saw as a loophole. Fail.

"Dude, I've imprinted on her. There is no way I could cheat on her even when I'm intoxicated." I said shrugging it off.

"Darn." He muttered.

"Look, what is it that's making you have second thoughts?" I asked.

"That Emmett boy is running it right?" He answered my question with another question.

"Yeah." I answered slowly not liking where this was going.

"He's not very mature."

"What are you talking about?? He's totally mature!" I lied.

I heard a high whistle from outside. The one someone would use to call their dog.

"HERE BOY! COMON!!!" Another whistle.

Billy raised his eyebrows.

"Got to go!" I said quickly. Grabbed my bag and jogged out the door to Emmett waiting in his big jeep.

"Good dog."

_Bella's POV_

I sucked in my gut as Alice measured my waist to make sure my dress will still fit.

"Don't suck it in! We need to know if it will fit or not. We don't want you to be uncomfortable." She scolded.

I sighed. All this pre-wedding rush sucked so badly. I usually just went to my happy place with Edward but now all I could think about was him drooling over some stripper in Vegas.

I didn't tell him my worries. I didn't want to ruin his time. I take so much from him and he expects nothing in return, so selfless. But I want him to go out and have some fun.

I'm happy Edward can't read my mind he'll most defiantly change his mind about going to Vegas with the boys. I'd be the buzz kill for Emmett, Jasper and Jake for the rest of my life. Or should I say eternity. I haven't forgotten Edwards promise.

"What are you thinking about?" Alice asked.

I broke out of my thoughts and jumped back in shock. Alice's face was mere inches from mine.

"I'm finished. You're free." She stated, and then danced out of the room. That's one thing I defiantly won't miss about being human, my extreme clumsiness is a major burden.

I swear I'm going to be the world's clumsiest vampire.

I sighed and dropped onto Alice and Jasper's large bed, closing my eyes.

A random chill came close to my face. And a cool but intoxicating breath blew into my face.

I took a deep breath of the familiar breath before opening my eyes to my future husband's glorious face.

"Hi." I whispered. Why am I whispering? I'm an idiot.

He smiled my favourite crooked smile. "Hey beautiful."

I blushed like a retard. That's another thing I will not miss. Stupid blushing.

I smiled. "Are you off then?" I asked almost choking on my words. Edward literally takes my breath away.

"Sadly, yes."

"Sadly?"

"Means I won't see you for two whole days." He said sadly.

Awwwww.

"You'll be having so much fun, you want notice." I said. I hoped he told me it wasn't true, that that's all he'd be able to think about.

"Nah, you're always on my mind." He said. Totally cliché, but heart melting all the same.

"HURRY THE 'UCK UP, RETARD!" Emmett yelled up the stairs.

Edward sighed. "That's my cue. Love you. Alot." He crushed his lips aggressively against mine.

Before I had time to recover from that awesome kiss, he was gone.

_Edward's POV_

Holy shit, this is really going to happen. Crud. And I only realised this as Emmett turns onto the highway and Jasper and Jacob fighting about their favourite type of cheese in the back seat.


	3. EDDDAMMM!

**HI! Someone asked me in a review "Jasper's a vampire why does he care about cheese?" Well, I don't know. There's probably going to be a few things that they do that are unvampireish/ unwerewolfish, but you'll just have to get over that. Kapesh? Cool. Okay enjoy the next chapter! Oh btw last chapter I mentioned Resnesmee and she wasn't even born yet! Woops! Just ignore that, I'll be using her more. Lets just say Eddy and belly got it on before the wedding and has her?**

_Edward's POV_

"EDAM!"

"TASTY!"

"EDDDDAAAAAM!"

"TAAAAAASSSSSTTTTTTTYYY."

"OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!" I screamed at the two idiots in the back seat of my Volvo.

"I reckon." Emmett agreed. "Edam's way better than tasty."

I sighed. Great.

"Hell no! Edam's just the best." Jacob protested.

"Nah, tasty has a certain tang to it." Emmett pointed out.

"That's what's so disgusting about it."

"But-"

I clicked the radio on and turned it up to full.

"EDAM IS LIKE ADAM WITH AN E, REMEMBER THAT ADAM KID?"

"YEAH HE WAS CRACK UP AS!"

"SO WE AGREE EDAM'S BETTER?"

"HELL NO."

I don't know how long this is going to go on for. Actually, I did. It was going to go on all weekend.

"How abo-"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY EDWART?" Emmett yelled over the music.

I scowled. I switch the music down.

"I said, how about you guys get some edam cheese and tasty cheese cut two pieces and eat them at the same time to make your own breed of cheese?" I asked.

Maybe that will shut them the hell up.

There was a silence.

"How about... NO!" Jacob said.

"SNAP!" Jasper yelled high fiving Jacob.

FUDGECAKES! That didn't work.

Suddenly the car swerved.

"WOAH." Jacob screamed. Pfft werewolves.

"What the hell Emmett?" I asked.

"There was a bunny!" Emmett said defensively.

I rolled my eyes. One hour to go...

_Bella's POV_

Should I?

Okay.

Wait, should I?

Nah.

Wait, should I?

Okay.

Wait, sho-

"BELLA."

I jumped. "What?"

"Stop it!" Alice frowned.

"Stop what?" I asked confused.

"Changing your fricken mind, it's so annoying!"

"Oh" I laughed. "Forgot about that."

I think I should...

"No apology?" She asked irritated.

"Nope." I said pushing myself off the couch and just as I was about to grab the phone...

"Don't bother." Alice said.

"Why not?"

"3... 2... 1..."

The phone started ringing.

"Ha, that's cool."

Alice rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.

I grabbed the phone.

"Hi." I said quickly.

"Hey." Said the glorious, hot, great, awesome, wonderful, just-the-best, fantastic, beautiful voice on the other end.

"We're here." Edward informed me.

Fudge, I was hoping something, anything would happen that would make them come home. Those prosties will be on him like flies on cow dung. Just walking down the street he'll have ladies, perhaps men asking whether he's "looking for a good time."

"That's great!" I lied. "What are you guys going to get up to now?"

"Well we just got to check in and then we'll probably just look around for a while." He explained.

Then go see stripers? Get legally married to a stranger? Shoot himself in the foot? Right have fun.

"Oh that's cool then."

Edward made a Mhmm noise. Agreeing.

"Hey, Edward?" I began slowly.

"Yup?"

"Can you read minds through phones?" I asked.

He laughed. "I can't read your mind anyway so what does it matter?"

"I was just wondering."

"Well, no. I'm pretty sure we discussed this." He laughed again.

All I could say was "Oh." I'm such an idiot.

"Anyway were just walking through the hotel doors now. Since these three are mentally challenged I'll have to sign us in." He explained. "Cya, love you."

Just before I could say goodbye, he hung up.

Must be eager to marry that stranger.

_Jacob's POV_

"Holy Guacamole." I muttered.

"This place is gigantic." Jasper agreed.

I looked up at the huge ceiling with chandeliers glowing dimly from their place in the centre of the room.

"Emmett, you stud muffin! You scored the best place ever!" I nudged Emmett in the ribs.

"Hell yeah. That's what you get for coming with vampires that have unlimited money to Vegas."

"We should totally do this more often!" I hinted.

"How about next week?" Emmett asked, totally serious.

"Yeah!" I cheered. Wait. "Oh, no. Not next week the Jonas Brothers are in town. Any week but next week..." I said sadly

_Emmett's POV_

OMJ! THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE COMING TO TOWN!

"What a loser Jacob." I scoffed.

_Edward's POV_

I wonder what these three will be like drunk...

Can vampire even get drunk?

I wonder...

I walked over to the counter and leaned against it. After a few moments the girl looked up from the computer. It looked like was going to say something but then her words got caught in her throat. She was staring at me her mouth half open

_Oh my..._ She thought _What a stud!_

I smiled. Oh yeah 'Stud'.

"H-hi, how may I be of service?" She finally stuttered out.

"We have a reservation under Cullen." I said smiling my crooked smile. I wanted to 'dazzle her'. I wanted to see if it was just Bella that was 'dazzable'.

She blinked at me, her mouth half open again. I grinned internally.

Emmett came up behind me with Jasper and Jacob just behind him.

"Close that mouth, you're about to drool." He said loudly. The concierge a few metres away looked up.

The girl quickly shut her mouth, going red.

Emmett grinned.

_We should adopt her so I have someone to make blush. _He told me in his mind.

I chuckled "No." I muttered so just Emmett would hear me.

_Darn_

"Cullen, Cullen, Cullen..." She mumbled as she searched through her computer as I watch through her mind.

Ha. People have funny names. There's already two people with the last name Cullen staying here. Kurt and Rosie, and Floyd and Gurtrude.

"Emmett Cullen?" She asked. Emmett had booked so it was under his name.

"Yup." Emmett answered.

"Okay..." She muttered as she rummaged through a pile of junk on her desk she pulled out a few papers and leaflets. She turned, collected the key, put it with the papers and passed to me.

"Would you like an accompanier to your room?" She asked politely.

"No thanks I'm sure we can find it ourselves." I answered. She looked disappointed.

"DIBS THIS BED." Emmett shouted catapulting himself on a big bed in our hotel room.

"Why? It's not like we'll be sleeping anyway." I said.

"I know we'll be partying, but I do want at least a little bit of sleep." He said matter-of-factly.

What the hell. "Emmett, vampires don't sleep." I said. Duh.

"Of course we do. Well I don't I'm always to busy getting it on. Every night..." He said.

I stared at him for a few seconds. Then Jasper, Jacob and I burst into fits of laughter.

"OMFG RETARD!" Jasper cracked up. Literally 'rolling on the floor laughing'.

"Emmett. The reason you don't sleep is not because you're to bust having sex to sleep. It's because vampires never sleep. _Ever._" I chuckled.

"Serious?" He seemed surprised. Idiot.

"I'm serious."

"That's bullshit!" He shouted. "I've been a vampire for over 50 years and I never knew that!"

"LOL." Jacob shouted

After I recovered from laughing at Emmett's stupidity, I ordered the retards to go get changed into reasonable clothes so we could get into clubs and casinos.

_Jasper's POV_

_Oh yeah, snazzy. _I thought as I admired my casual suit.

Luckily Esme had washed it.

I strutted out into the large living area of this villa. Feeling pretty cocky at how good I looked.

But once I saw Edward my spirits dropped. He looked ten times better than I did.

Edward laughed and a feeling of extreme cockyness surrounded him.

Edward was usually pretty vain, but when someone thought about how good-looking he was he got extremely smug which was fricking annoying.

Emmett came out with a bottle of vodka.

"Round one boys." He said grinning. I noticed four shit glasses in his other hand.

He filled them up and passed them around.

"Before we start I just want to say som-" Edward started. But Jacob interrupted.

"Guys I need to say something." He said pulling out a piece of paper.

"Hello. How about that ride in? Haha I guess that's why they call it sin city." He said in an extremely emotionless voice. Feeling's of nervousness surrounded him as Edward, Emmett and I exchanged looks of confusion. Wtf.

"I don't know if any of you guys know this but I consider myself a bit of a loner."

_Really? No! _ I thought sarcastically. I saw Edward stifle a laugh with a fake cough.

"But when I imprinted on Resnesmee and she forced me to be nice to Edward, I realised I kind of liked him. I then added him to my metaphoric wolf pack, so then there was two of us in my metawolfpack. At first it was just me, then later Edward joined. And when I talked to you guys a bit more I thought "Wait, could it be? Two more members added to me wolf pack? Yes is can be. Us four metaphoric wolfs roaming Forks eating animals, and fucking up the Volturi."

Emmett laughed.

"So tonight I pronounce a toast! To the awesomeos metawolfpack!" He said putting up his shot.

We down our shots, fuck it was strong.

"Let's get this party started!"

**Sorry for the lame chapter. Fun will begin next chapter when they wake up. P.S sorry it took so damn long to get it up! (LOL re-read that last sentence... I have a dirty mind) but I've been honestly so busy with stage challenge and homework and being a lazy ass ****. **


	4. Oh, hell no!

**NEW CHAPTER! :D *yay* Just a quick A/N to say for all the Jasper lovers, this chapter is all in Jazzy POV and that when the boys remember what they did the night before there will be flashbacks, to make the story longer and to see in detail the stupidness **** Okayyes have fun eh?**

_Jasper's POV_

"Urrrrrrrgh." Someone groaned quietly across the room. The sound echoed in my head, pounding the inside of my skull.

My hands shot to my head, I started kneading my temples.

I heard another groan, a shuffle, and some slow footsteps.

Some slammed a door loudly. The pain in my head was incredible, like nothing I've ever feel in this life.

I slowly started slipping back into unconsciousness, relieving the pain slightly.

"HOLY SHIT!" I heard someone yell. Jacob?

"EMMETT! JASPER! EMMETT!" His voice coming closer.

I slowly opened my eyes. The bright light that greeted me stung my eyes and they fluttered a bit.

I sat up slowly, my stomach turning. I looked around.

"Shiiit." I mumbled.

The sleeping duck next to me awoke and quacked loudly before running whilst shitting toward a lazyboy, that had been shredded to pieces.

The bar was covered with multiple alcohol bottles and glasses. One glass had a pair of red panties in it, which I'd never seen before.

I looked over to the suites Jacuzzi; it had bubbles overflowing from it, pick bubbles.

Broken champagne glasses lay next to the door next to what looked like dismantled smoke alarm. The battery from the alarm lay sparking in a giant glass of water.

I looked over to see Jacob, with no pants on, shaking Emmett awake.

"Wha? Huh?" Emmett mumbled.

"Why the fuck am I in a broken glass table?" He asked confused.

"I don't know but-" Jacob started loudly.

"Shit. Shhhh. Head. Sore." Emmett whispered pulling himself from the broken table and rubbing his head.

"But-" Jacob tried again.

Emmett snorted when he looked at me.

"Dude, you look lost." He laughed, but then stopped when it hurt his head.

I composed my face, closed my mouth and focused my eyes to reality.

I sniffed and my nose burned. What the hell? I saw a bottle of some thing in my hand.

Hot sauce. I tried to put it down but it stayed in my hand. I tried again. Again it stayed in my hand.

I shook my hand vigorously. The bottle still stayed. Super glue.

"Crap."

"OH MY GOD!" Emmett yelled, having a good laugh at my situation.

We all held our heads in pain at Emmett's booming laugh.

"Guys seriously!" Jacob waved his arms trying to get us to listen to him.

"What?" Emmett sighed.

"There's totally a crocodile or something along those scary lines in the bathroom." He said fast.

"What?" I said jumping up, arms flailing. The hot sauce bottle hit me in the head. I looked at Emmett. _Phew._ He didn't notice.

Emmett dragged himself to the bathroom to check. I followed closely.

He opened the door slowly. "HOLEY GUCAMOLEY." Emmett yelled shutting the door quickly.

"Damn..." He muttered walking away.

I then opened the bathroom door to confirm it was a crocodile, these two are pretty thick.

"Guys! That's no crocodile." I said.

"Alligator?" Jacob asked confused.

"Na-uh. Komodo Dragon." I said shaking my head. How the hell did it get there?

"DRAGONS EXSIST?" Jacob asked excitedly.

Emmett snorted.

"No, they're giant lizards from Indonesia. They're deadly." I informed him.

Jacob looked worried. Surprisingly, so did happy-go-lucky Emmett.

"It doesn't bother us though, were basically invincible." I informed a trouble Emmett.

Emmett looked a bit sheepish and scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"Well..." He said slowly.

"What?" I asked, I hoped it was something stupid.

"You haven't been drunk as a vampire before, right?" He asked.

"No..." I replied cautiously.

"Well, when vampires, I'm not so sure about werewolves, get drunk they lose their immortally for the time they are drunk AND hangover." He said quickly filching away from my reaction.

Crap.

"So... right now, I could die if someone shot me?"

"Mhmm." Emmett grinned sheepishly trying to break the tension.

Fuck, I so would not have come if I knew that, I could lose everything. My pounding head told me I was definitely hung-over. I wanted to go and hide until I've recovered.

I took a deep breath. "Okay. Thank you Emmett for telling me that." I said pulling my phone out of my pocket.

I started dialling Carlisle's number.

"What are you doing?" Emmett asked jumping up.

"Calling Carlisle, we obviously need help because your too handicap to deal with this.

"No!" Emmett yelled grabbing my phone and throwing it at the closet door, smashing it.

"YOU DICKHEAD! WHAT THE HE-" I started.

"Shh." Jacob interrupted.

"DON'T YOU SHUSH ME."

"Shut up man. Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" I listened intently.

Even after straining my ears I couldn't hear a thing.

Emmett scratched the back of his head again.

"Emmett..."

"Okay, okay! Another downside to being a drunk/hung-over vampire is that we lose our special abilities. I mean you can still do all that emotion shit. But you can hear, see and smell like a normal person."

Well, that sucks.

"Oh, we also have human speed..." He muttered.

Oh hell no!

"Well at least I can hear it." Jacob said smugly, earning glares from Emmett and I.

"I think it's coming from the closet... come closer and try hearing it."

We all advance on the closet.

Straining my ears once again, I heard it.

And by it, I wasn't really sure.

It sort of sounded like yelping or a really retarded cry.

"Dibs not!" I said, my thumb flying to my head.

"Dibs not!" Emmett followed my lead.

"Dam." Jacob sighed.

His hand reached out slowly resting on the door handle. He hesitated.

"Do it." Emmett whispered.

The air was tense.

Jacobs shaking fingers slowly closed around the handle. He pushed it down slowly.

He sucked in a huge breath which was followed by the 'click' of the opening door.

He let go, jumping back.

The door swung open.

"AWWWWWW." Jacob crooned. "Look at the cute little bugger!"

Emmett put his nose in the air in disgust.

"What is it?" I whispered. I didn't recognise the strange little furry thing. It kind of looked like a tiny tiny tiny version of Jacob.

A small yelp escape it's snout.

"It's a puppy you re-tard." Jacob scoffed.

"It's retard." I laughed

" Yeah, that's what I said. Re-tard."

Emmett laughed.

"Okaaaaay then, you re-tard."

Jacob poked his tongue out at Emmett before turning back to the fluff ball.

"What do we do with it?" I asked.

"I haven't had breakfast yet?" Emmett suggested.

"WHAT? NO!" Jacob objected pulling the—the thing into his arms.

"Why not?" Emmett whined. "I eat furry things like that all the time."

"Would you eat a baby?" Jacob asked.

"No. I'm a vegetarian. Duh."

"This puppy is basically a baby to me!" Jacob defended.

Lol. That's funny. Because Jacobs a werewolf. Dog. Puppy. Baby. Heh, I crack my self up.

"Well I'm hungry! What else could we do with it?" Emmett asked.

"I'll look after it."

"Ha! You can't even look after your self. How could you possibly look after another non- independent life form?" I asked.

Jacob just scowled at me, stroking the puppy's head softly.

"Edward's probably the most mature here, let him decide." Emmett suggested. He turned to find Edward. "Edward?"

No answer. I took my eyes off the grovelling Jacob and his new child.

I looked around the trashed room.

I saw beer cans and toothpaste, shaving razors and bread crusts, a smoking iron and a broken trampoline. But I didn't see Edward.

"EDWARDO!" Emmett called. "Must still be asleep."

"Go check the rooms then." I ordered.

Emmett nodded and looked in every room, calling Edward's name.

"Nothing." Emmett reported coming back to the closet where Jacob and I were situated.

"I would call him, but _somebody_ smashed my phone against the wall for no reason."

Emmett coughed and looked around.

"Here." Jacob said passing me his phone.

I dailed Edward's number.

It rang and rang and rang.

_Hello you have reached Edward Cullen's voice mail, for some reason I'm unable it answer the phone right now bu- Hey, hey. What are you doing? OI! EMMETT GET BACK HERE. NO! STOP. Oh crud._

I laughed and hung up.

"I don't even want to know..." I murmured.

Emmett, Jacob and somehow the fluff ball looked confused.

HOW DOE'S A FRICKEN PUPPY LOOK CONFUSED. It looked cute... No wait; what am I think it's not cute! It's evil. Get a hold of yourself Jasper!

After a few minutes a confused looks at me, Jacob suddenly bursts.

"I'm hungry." He announces.

"Me too." Emmett teased, advance on the fluff in Jacob's arms, evilly waggling his fingers.

Jacob looked horrified and jumped up curling his arms around the puppy, away from Emmett.

Emmett chuckled.

"Hey, serious guys, Edward's missing. No time to be fooling around."

But the look on Jacob's face and the evil grin on Emmett's was too funny.

I laughed.

"Don't worry Jazzy-poo. I'm sure Edwards just gone down stair's and checking out some of the thing's in this awesome place. Comon we'll go look eh? If it makes you feel any better."

Emmett smiled at me.

Emmett. _Smiled. _At. _Me?_

Emmetts being _nice_ to _me?_

Hey that's new.

"Okay." I said smiling back.

"Can Angus come?" Jacob interjected.

"Angus?"

He rose up fluffball. Ahh, Angus McFlufferson.

"Emmett, you heard her, he hasn't been down here?"

I'm starting to get a bit scared.

What the hell would Bella do to us if she found out we lost her fiancé?

That's just it. She doesn't need to know. As long as we find him and fast, we'll be safe.

"Comon we'll go feed the dog's over here-" Emmett prodded the air towards Jacob and Angus.

"- and then we'll find Edward. He can't have gotten too far."

"Huh, look at this guys!" Jacob exclaimed, his mouth full of bacon and the fluffy thing on his lap.

I turned to look at him.

He was a examinating a peculiar object in his hand.

A lighter with the name _Destiny_ written on it, with a little heart next to it.

"Weird." Emmett said. "Where'd you find it?"

"In my pocket."

There was a silence.

"Check your pocket guys." I whispered.

***DUN DUN DUUUUN* what's in their pockets? Review what YOU thinks' in there! (If it extra good you may just get a dedication and I may just use part of your idea) (:**

**If your wondering "Why did they sleep, there vampires?" I made up the whole 'lose your vampireness when drunk/hungover' to cover up them doing human things (: You don't mind, you know you love it.**

**So that's why you should review PLEASE.**


	5. Titty show

**:D Ahh I love you guys. I know I shouldn't pick favourites but I especially love YezzerBezzers!**

**Yezzer reviewers almost ALL my chapters and stories :D**

**This chapter is dedicated to Yezzer because she's so awesome! And she was one of the few who suggested something good to be in there pockets! So credit to her for what's in Jazz's pocket and what he does about it. (I'm assuming **_**she's **_**a girl as there are never any dudes on fan fiction.)**

**Enjoy my friends! **

_Emmett's POV_

"What the hell?" Jacob muttered as we all emptied our pockets.

Jacob pulled out a ball of lint, some dog biscuits, and three tickets to a Criss Angel show, a really really tiny light bulb and a collar. He placed them all beside his _destiny_ lighter.

I pulled out a bullet, a key, a credit card with the name_ Jeramiah Robust_, a pencil, a wrapper for an ice-cream and some super glue and that was covered in hot sauce.

The super glue made me laugh as it reminded me of Jasper smashing the bottle to get it off his hand this morning, it took him ages!

I placed them all on the table.

Jasper saw the super glue and scowled.

Jasper pulled out a piece of bacon, a few poker chips, a green thong, a piece of paper with a number on it, a key-ring and a little skull belly button ring.

But the best thing that Jasper pulled out of his pocket was an epic photo.

In the photo Jasper stood drunkenly (almost falling over) with his arm around a _really_ hot chick. It was weird though, because the photo had been ripped and the chicks head was gone.

"Score Jazz!" I clapped him on the back.

He glared at me at returned to stare worriedly at the photo.

Alice will be so _pissed._

The chick in the photo was holding up her top, and damn, she wasn't wearing a bra.

Most of her tanned body was in full view.

I looked closer and connected to her belly button was a small skull, the very same one that was now on our breakfast table.

Jasper's hand was extremely close to the lady's exposed _parts._

"Argh." Jasper moaned dropping his head in his hands.

"Pffffffffft." Jacob stuttered before laughing his ass off, earning a high five from me and a vicious glare from Jasper.

"What?" Jacob asked defensibly. "You can't honestly say that this is not funny."

"This is _not _funny." Jasper hissed.

Just as Jacob opened his mouth to retaliate a phone rang.

"Not mine."

"Can't be mine, because _somebody-_"Jasper glared at me. "smashed it against the wall."

I looked down at my phone.

"Oh it's mine."

"Hey Carlisle what's up?" I answered.

"Is there a reason why Alice is running rampage in the house?" He asked stressed. "Oh and _find Edward_." He hissed.

"Shhhhhh, Bella will hear you." I hissed back.

"I sent her out hunting with Rose." He said his voice weak.

"What have you done Emmett?" I could imagine him leaning his head back and pinching the bridge of his nose trying to work out this crisis. "I'm coming down to help you; Alice can't see where Edward is. She didn't see anything you did last night. But I'm presuming she saw what you guys found this morning."

"No! Don't come. We can't figure this out. We have plenty of time the weddings not till tomorrow." I said quickly.

"LEMME TALK TO THE FAGGOT!" Alice boomed through the speaker.

"Jasper. It's for you." I said grinning at him.

He grimaced, grabbed the phone and gingerly placed to his ear.

I heard a series of Alice's high pitched screaming through the receiver.

"Ally..." Jasper muttered.

More shouting.

"Alice..." Jasper said louder.

More shouting.

"Alice, I'm sorry!" Jasper squeaked.

"I swear to god I didn't do anything with her!" Jasper squealed.

"I know I can't remember anything, but I'm positive I didn't do anything!" Jasper raised his voice, trying to get across the message to a mental Alice.

Jasper suddenly pressed the end button in the middle of Alice's next scream.

"I'll fix that later." He muttered. "But right now, we _need to find Edward._" He hissed softly.

I nodded. I knew this was no time to be mucking around.

"But how?" I asked. "It's not like we can follow his scent, we're hung over."

Jasper thought carefully for a moment.

"Maybe we should use all this stuff we found in our pockets as clues. First we should find the lady in this photo and see if she can't help us find Edward's where-a-bouts."

"Her face has been ripped out Jasper..." Jacob pointed out, stroking Angus' head softly.

"I know." He said dropping his face into his hand again.

"But her tits are really identifiable." I murmured having a hard time pulling my eyes away from the girl flashing the camera.

"So what are we going to do Emmett? Go around pulling every girls top up and seeing if their tits match the photo?" Jasper suggested his voice full of sarcasm.

"What else?" I shrugged.

"No, way!" Jasper said, his eyes widening.

"Yes, way."

**...**

_Jasper's POV_

"That girl looks hot enough try her!" Emmett whispered.

"No! It's your turn! My face is still sore from the last one." I hissed back at him.

"Fine." He grumbled. "The things I do for you..." He muttered before strutting up to the girl talking on her cell phone.

He waited for her to hang up.

She blabbed away for ages while Emmett waited impatiently tapping his foot, rolling his eyes and dramatically looking at his non-existent watch. This sight made Jacob laugh. At which I glared at him. Even though Emmett did look like an idiot this was no time to be laughing. Edward's missing and the love of my life is incredibly pissed at me.

When she finally hung up Emmett tapped her lightly on the shoulder.

His mouth moved but I couldn't make out the words with my stupid mortal hearing.

After Emmett's quick explanation she looked confused and said something at which Emmett threw his hands in the air and grinned sheepishly back at us. He gestured for the women to follow him to which she nodded kindly.

Emmett walked back to us and moved his hands quickly in an upward motion, telling us to get up.

"Shit. Jacob!" I hissed quickly standing up from my crouched position behind a small bush and pulling Jacob up by his under arm.

"CAREFUL. I have a child with me!" He scolded; wrapping his arms protectively around the Fluffy thing he named Angus. I just rolled my eyes at him.

The woman with Emmett was looking at us strangely as she and Emmett approached. I realised this was because I had just emerged from a bush with a retarded looking dude who was snuggling a ball of fluff.

I scratched the back of my head awkwardly.

"OH. Jake it was a funnel spider! Not a whitetail." I exclaimed loudly. The confused expression left the chicks face, but an even more confused one appeared in Jacob's.

"Wha-"

But before he could finish I slapped the back of his head and inconspicuously pointed to the lady, while pretending to itch my neck.

"Ohhhh. Yeah, guess we both were wrong." Jacob said loudly, so obviously faking.

But the blonde woman didn't notice, probably because she was blond and looked like an extreme bimbo in her skin tight top and short skirt that almost showed her ass.

When the girl approached her eyes widened, looking at Jacob.

"JAKEY!" She squealed running up and wrapping her arms around him.

"Uh... hey there..." Jacob looked around trying to remember her name. He put his hands in his pockets trying to act like he didn't forget her name. "Destiny!" finished making up a name for her, using the name that was in scripted on the lighter he found.

She grinned at him after she released him from her hug.

Shit! Did he get her name right?

Before I had time to give it any more thought 'Destiny' placed a huge, wet kiss straight on Jacobs unsuspecting lips.

"I didn't see you this morning baby." She said stroking his arm seductively.

Jacobs mouth had formed a large 'O' in his astonishment.

I had trouble stifling my laugh. Now I wasn't the only one in trouble.

Jacob turned to look at me. I'm sure he would have glared at me but his face was still in complete shock.

"I think we've got some talking to do." Emmett said.

**...**

_Jacob's POV_

"Yeah so that's me in the picture." Destiny started. "It was just for fun, but don't worry, Jakey here gave me permission." She looked up from the tea she was pouring and smiled loving at me.

Emmett and Jasper both looked at me amused.

"Oh isn't that nice of him." Emmett said with a pleasant smile on his face.

"I know, the man is so selfless." Jasper hissed through his teeth, wearing the same pleasant smile.

"I know! Sally wouldn't believe me when I told her I found me a husband who was a real sweetie and genuinely loved me. You're a nice change from those guys who come here, get drunk and accidently marry me." Destiny gushed over me. "AND you're cute."

Jasper's eyes widened to the max and Emmett's grin spread from ear to ear.

It all came flooding back to me.

"_DUDE! I'm hungrrrrrrrry." Edward whined._

"_Me too!" Jasper agreed._

"_Me three!" I chimed in._

"_Me... five?" Emmett got confused as he muddled up his alphabet, what a silly curtain face!_

"_LETS GO GET SOME TACOS!" Emmett yelled._

"_NO! Let's get some _Nachos_." Jasper insisted._

"_TACOS."_

"_NACHOS."_

"_TACOS."_

"_NACHOS."_

"_CHEEEEEESEBURGERS!" I squealed in suggestion._

"_Okay." Both Edward and Jasper instantly agreed. _

_We all stumbled up to the counter of McDonalds._

"_Hi!" Edward whispered to the pimply cashier whose nametag read Eugine._

"_Why are we whispering?" Jasper whispered to Edward._

"_YEAH WHY?" Emmett boomed._

_A few people around us blocked there ears._

"_Pussys." Emmett chuckled._

"_How can I help you?" Eugine asked in a squeaky voice._

"_1... 2... 3... 4... cheese burgers please!" Edward ordered, counting with his fingers._

"_And have some Clearasil on the house!" Emmett added giggling like a fool._

_As Eugine turned around to fetch us some tucker a nasty looking lady appeared, hands on her hips._

"_We don't serve drunks." She said sternly._

"_WE ARE NOT DRUNKS." I yelled. "We are just drunk." I said placing my hands on my hips, satisfied with my remark._

_The cranky lady went to open her mouth to yell at us some more when I kind young lady offered to escort us out._

_She took us out and laughed at our stumblinglingness... is that a word? Hehehehe it is now!_

"_LALALALALALALALALA." Edward sung._

_We all joined in._

"_My names Destiny." The girl introduced her self._

"_HI!" I grinned, high fiving the air where her hand should have been._

_Bitch..._

"_I'm Jacob. That guy with the poof hair over there is Jasshole." I pointed to Jasper. "Thats Emmettina. Thats Edwardo."_

_She laughed at us again._

"_I'M HUNGRRRRRY." Edward whined._

"_You guys want me to make you some food?" She asked._

"_OMG. I LOVE YOU." I said grabbing her shoulders. "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"_

"Ohhh." I started in a pleasant voice. "Husband?" I asked trying to sound polite, but inside I was dying.

_Shit._

_Shit._

_Shit._

_Shit._

_SHIT!_

She looked devastated.

"Don't you remember?" Tears welled up in her eyes. There was a long awkward silence.

"I thought you were different!" She sobbed setting down her tea kettle.

Emmett and Jasper took sips of their tea and absentmindedly looked around the room, pretending to admire it. To be honest to was a dump. I guess it was the best a stripper could afford.

"No, no, no! I remember! I do!" I lied quickly; I hate it when people cry.

Jasper sniggered. "I do." He giggled.

I shot a glare at him before returning to comfort Destiny.

"Okay good!" She said perking up instantly. "Let's look at wedding photos!" She piped up loudly.

She skipped over to her cupboard and pulled out a pink photo album covered with revolting love heart stickers.

"This is us at the alter." She pointed out a picture of her in a short, slutty, white dress and me in one of those tee-shirts with a print of a tuxedo on it. My arm was draped lazily around her skinny shoulders and she had her arms wrapped around my waist, a look of joy upon her face.

"AWWWW." Emmett cooed. Jasper joined in.

I sneered at them from behind Destiny's head.

_I'm in so much shit._

She continued to point out picture of numerous embarrassing things that we all did.

"Look Edward was with us then!" Emmett pointed out before she turned the page.

"Of course he was silly!" Destiny giggled slapping Emmett's arm playfully. "He was the best man!"

Jasper, Emmett and I all exchanged looks.

"Destiny..." Jasper began slowly. "Do you know where we went after the wedding?"

"You guys said something about you scoring Criss Angel mind freak tickets in a beer chugging competition?" She suggested.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out three Criss Angel mind freak tickets, each with the end ripped off along the dotted line.

The venue read _Empire Hall. _

Guess where were going next?

**FAAARRRK IM LAZY! That took me forever to get up!**

**I guess I've been busy with my other story. Leilani's Story: Hotdog Hijinks (advertising :D)**

**Reviews make me happy. A happy Sophie means faster chapter updates! *hint hint***

**Chapter questions for this chapter: What story should I update next? I'm torn! Also what's your favourite flavour ice-cream? Mine's cookies and cream (: Leave your answer in your review. :D**

**-S**


End file.
